Given our first assumption, a condom user (who makes no distinction between HF [high fertility] and non-HF periods) can count on one embryonic death for each unintended pregnancy. A rhythm method user, however, should count on two to three embryonic deaths for each unintended pregnancy. Assuming a success rate of 95% for condom usage, we can count on an expectation of .5 pregnancies in 10 years. Hence, the expectation of embryonic death is .5 per ten years for a condom user, which is substantially lower than the expectation of two to three embryonic deaths per ten years on the rhythm method. Even a policy of practising condom usage and having an abortion in case of failure would cause less embryonic deaths than the rhythm method.
[...] One could simply conceive of this whole argument as a reductio ad absurdum of the cornerstone of the argument of the pro-life movement, namely that deaths of early embryos are a matter of grave concern.
Hey kids! It's time for the business meeting for the 22nd Annual ACM Symposium on Computational Geometry! Everybody got a beer? Great! Let's see what those wacky geometers are doing in Sedona this year.
Pankaj thanks the committee. Everybody claps. Then inexplicably, everybody gets up, puts on constumes and dances around the room. I finish my beer.
Alon Efrat reports on local organization: About 110126 participants (including 3247 students) from 16many different countries, plus Australia. Alon thanks the other local volunteers. Everybody claps. Someone from the audience thanks Alon. Everybody claps. Everybody gets up and does the Yo Gabba Gabba thing again.
Nina Amenta gives the program committee report. 142138 submissions (apparently a few were withdrawn), of which a record 54 were accepted, thanks to a wise decision by the PC to have parallel sessions on the second day. As usual, papers about Voronoi diagrams were had a high acceptance rate, but every submission about juggling bears was rejected. Papers by an odd number of authors had a slightly worse acceptance ratio, unless exactly one of the authors was a former PC member. Much grumbling from the audience about parallel sessions, some arguing against, others in favor. Much drinking of beer from the amused but largely unconcerned audience members. Ultimately, there is a general consensus that at most one day of parallel sessions is fine, but the choice should be left to the next PC. Everybody claps, and drinks.
Joe Mitchell asks the committee to stand. Everyone claps. There is some pointless discussion about submission formats, which I can't hear over Stefan Langerman singing the conference program to the tune of "It's the End of the World as We Know It". Everyone claps. More Yo-Gabba-Gabba-ing ensues. I go for my third beer, a Bell's Wheat Love Ale. Mmmm.
Jack Snoeyink (né Snoeyink), wearing his usual snazzy jacket and carrying his usual snazzy notepad computer, juggles eight flaming swords while describing the video/multimedia presentations.
Pankaj announces a proper subset of next year's program committee, of which I am the chair. Yes, just me. A few people wonder why I'm not making the announcement myself, and for that matter, why I'm not even at the conference. A somewhat convincing explanation involving an impending birth is offered, which leads several other members of the audience to question my sanity. John Iacono stands on his chair and shouts "¡Viva la Revolucion!" Everyone else quietly takes a sip of their beer.
Oftried Cheong brings out a dozen trained elephants, who dance the watusi while Otfried describes the conference venue at Gyeongju. The word "beer" appears on the screen and everyone claps. Stefan, having reached the parallel session part of the program, enlists Erik Demaine and Bettina Speckman's help in singing counterpoint. Inexplicably, John stands on his chair and shouts "¡Viva la Revolucion!" again. One of the elephants falls of the stage, landing on one of Jack's flaming swords, and pops like a balloon. I go for my fourth beer.
Several people bid for SOCG 2008: Pankaj and Jack repeat last year's bid for Chapel Hill. David Mount repeats last year's bid for Baltimore/DC. Suresh suggests Cuba, prompting a quick (but somewhat less vertical) "¡Viva!" from John. Erik is pulled to the stage at gunpoint and handed a hastily scribbled note reads "Um, I, state your name, being of sound mind and body and acting entirely voluntarily, offer to host the next Symposium on Computational Geometry at MIT's Stata Center." Everybody claps. Pankaj confirms that yes, the first word on the note was in fact "Um". Everybody claps. Stefan, having finished his vocal rendition of the conference program, begins to sing "Fight Fiercely, Hahvahd". Jack and David, two flaming swords in each hand, angrily search the room for the source of the note. Ken Clarkson mutters under his breath, "Dear God, have you been to Cambridge?" For some reason, Piyush Kumar is still chanting "Yo Gabba Gabba!" Someone else (Tamal Dey) bids somewhere else (Columbus), but nobody can hear them. Joe calls for a vote. There is some confusion over how many options each person can vote for. Everybody drinks. MIT wins by a landslide.Washington DC wins! Everybody drinks. Someone has found 50 gallons of pink paint, which they proceed to throw over the elephants.
There being no other pressing business, everybody stands and chants in unison "But it's a dry heat!" and then forms a conga line, which winds out the door. After everyone else has left the room, John stands up on his chair as if to shout one last time, but after a few seconds, shakes his head and walks out.
Update (6/6/6): Unlike me, Suresh was really there. The actual vote for 2008 was between Washington, DC (45 votes) and Columbus, OH (28 votes). Apparently the North Carolinians have given up, and nobody was actually willing to point a gun at Erik. Yes, sir, we do like us some imported beer. Hmmm... That gives me an idea. Let's get Stefan to host SOCG 2009 in Brussels!
Standard Rules: Take a drink the first time each of the following events occurs.
Anyone voices a standard complaint about the conference proper (one drink each): high registration fees, parallel sessions, heavy proceedings, ugly proceedings, too hot, too many aliens
Anyone voices a standard complaint about the conference location (one drink each): too expensive, bad informal food (eg, coffee breaks, continental breakfasts, reception), too remote, too beautiful, too hot, too many aliens
Anyone uses the phrase "broader geometric computing community" or equivalent
Anyone makes a joke involving the word "vortex"
Anyone uses the words "dry" and "heat" in the same sentence
Anyone stands on their chair, raises their beer to the sky, and shouts "¡Viva la Revolucion!"
Statistics Bonus Round:
Take one drink for each slide of statistics displayed by the PC chair.
If your name appears on the PC chair's slides for any reason, finish your beer.
Location Bonus Round:
Take one drink for each proposal, whether serious (eg, Cambridge) or frivolous (eg, Havana).
If anyone seriously proposes a location that requires more than two hours of travel from the nearest international airport (e.g. Pisa, Sedona, Gyeongju), take one drink.
If anyone seriously suggests Havana, stand on your chair, raise your beer to the sky, and shout "¡Viva la Revolucion!"
Each time the word "beer" appears in a bid presentation, take one drink.
If the winning location is Chapel Hill, Baltimore, or Cambridge, finish your beer.
If the winning location is Havana, switch to cube libre for the rest of the meeting.
Voting Bonus Round:
If anyone asks if they can vote for more than one option, take a drink.
If any vote is repeated beause of voter confusion, take a drink.
If any vote ends in a tie, take two drinks.
If anyone suggests that David Johnson is attempting to manipulate the vote, finish your beer.
Argument Bonus Round:
If anyone starts a long, pointless argument that has happened in more than two previous business meetings (for example: submission format; proceedings format; electronic vs. paper proceedings; parallel sessions; poster sessions; applied, short, or otherwise second-class papers; 1 PC chair vs 2 co-chairs), take two drinks.
Each time a contentious issue is left to the discretion of the next PC, finish your beer and throw the bottle at the person who started the argument.
If anyone seriously suggests divorcing from ACM, stand on your chair, raise your beer to the sky, and shout "¡Viva la Revolucion!"
Extra-Special Double-Whammy Vanity Bonus Round:
Each time someone mentions my name for any reason, take a drink.
Each time someone questions my sanity for any reason, stand on your chair, raise your beer to the sky, and shout "¡Viva la Revolucion!"